My Ayahuasca Journey
I first learned about a powerful entheogenic hallucinogen
called DMT (dimethyltriptamine) in 2008.
It is classified by the FDA as a Class I drug yet has no
side effects and is not habit forming.
Furthermore, the substance is produced each night by every man, woman,
and child during our deepest sleep. The
largest flush of DMT occurs at birth and at death…fascinatingly it is an
endogenous creation or made naturally by the human body via the pineal
gland. The pineal gland is part of the
endocrine system (the system of glands in our body that regulate hormones), is
located in the brain, and is chiefly responsible for the production of
serotonin and sleep/wake cycles, circadian rhythms, more notably, DMT. It has been poignantly described as the “seat
of the soul” by Descartes and by many accounts it is unknown modern science why
or what biologic survival functioning reason humans or any living organism
produces DMT.
In fact, DMT is not so much where it is, but where it
isn’t. Virtually all living creatures
produce DMT as do plants and mushrooms.
DMT is known by indigenous cultures with many names like Yage,
Grandmother, Shori, peyote and more universally, ayahuasca meaning “vine of the
soul”. With variations of preparation
from group to group ayahuasca is produced primarily in combination of two
plants: one containing DMT and the other MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitor)
which prevents the DMT by being broken down in the stomach, allowing the powerful
entheogen to gain passage into the brain.
As technical as it may sound, a brief history is needed to reflect both
the scientific and ancient underpinnings of DMT.
The substance has been used amongst indigenous people during
sacred ceremony for thousands upon thousands of years to connect ancient ones
to the spirit world. However, in time
the ayahuasca made it out of the Amazon forest and has given rise to
churches. Today it is propagated
worldwide by leaders who have been taught by shamans (wise ancient learned medicine
men), who clearly understood mans connection to the cosmos. The church groups are not without government
and public scrutiny. One of these groups
is known as the UDV (Una de Vegetal), who legally fought the U.S. Food and Drug
Administration and the Drug Enforcement Agency over the use of ayahuasca during
sacred ceremony. However, under our
constitutionally protected First Amendment the UDV church won and gained
religious exemption to use the sacred tea during ceremony. DMT has also been the focus of the only FDA
approved human study some 19 years ago in the United States - about the use and
effects of DMT on the human body, brain, and ultimately the human spirit in a
book written by Dr. Rick Strassman titled, “DMT, The Spirit Molecule”.
If ever there were an 8th wonder of the world, surely it is DMT the inner cosmos world of spirit.
Needless to say, after learning as much as I could about
this fascinating substance, I wanted to part-take in ceremony and deep within, felt
I needed to. For some 23 years I have
tried various ways to reach higher levels of awareness to connect to my spirit
using mainstream and sometimes obscure or little known techniques: visualization, sensory deprivation tanks, frequency
healing, yoga, Tai Chi, positive thought, emotional freedom technique, crystal
singing bowls, lucid dreaming, meditation etc. and while they all provide their
own varied benefit and purpose, I would soon learn how ayahuasca might enhance
my personal spiritual journey. I’ve
asked questions about my spirituality, life meaning, and existence at a very
early age (six years old) so it was a natural progression to intend a “spirit
trip” into the unknown. The questioned
still remained. How would I contact a
group and be accepted or invited to participate in sacred ceremony?
2 years later the answer would come and I would find ayahuasca,
or rather, did the "Vine of the Soul" find me?
On June 18th I was accepted into a group not unlike the UDV
called Santo Daime (daime pronounced die-may which means "give me" in
Portuguese), a sycretic church (a combination of beliefs and faiths such as
Christianity, Shamanism, Spiritism, African Animism among others). The event was held in Miami, FL which for me
meant a 4 hour drive from my home in Tampa.
One the chief Fardados or “uniformed” members, Adrian (Fardados are
senior members dedicated to the church and are initiated in a special ceremony
whereby they are granted a metallic star) interviewed me prior to coming to
Miami. He needed to know that my
intentions for being part of the group were honest, sincere and for my
spiritual growth. Adrian asked a lot of
questions during the interview process, although I believe it was more sensing
energy he felt from me more than the answers to his questions.
He shared the storied history Santo Daime, it’s founder
Master Raimundo Irineu Serra and how a simple rubber trapper working in the
Amazon forests connected with Shamans - in his work he was guided to form Santo
Daime in 1930 despite the fact that he had no formal education and was
illiterate, the knowledge was conveyed to him through hymns from the Rainha da
Floresta, “Queen of the Rainforest” and became the Doctrine of Santo
Daime. Hymns that to this day are sung
during Santo Daime ceremony.
Prior to the interview process, a very special energy
worker, light healer, and Fardado introduced me to the work of Santo Daime, a most
beautiful spirit who many refer to as, “Durga Ma”. Later I would realize that they were select
about new members invited into Santo Daime, so it made me feel honored and
humbled to be accepted. Personally, any
organized religion always has me erring on the side of caution, especially when
it comes to church contribution. It
spoke of integrity to see that they only requested a nominal donation, and that
too was optional and not mandatory.
The ceremony was held at a location that only members are made
aware of. It is not made public, and
ostensibly I understood that it’s part legal.
Although UDV gained protection by the First Amendment, Santo Daime has
not, and to date, fortunately has had no legal troubles with state or federal
authorities in the United States. They
are however in the process of obtaining the same exemption (I’m sure by using
the backbone of the UDV Supreme Court ruling as legal precedence.) Clearly what Santo Daime and UDV and other
churches or groups do ceremonially in the jungles of the Amazon and around the
world is a sacred communion, a rite of passage, a medicine, passed on for eons
and centuries by ancient shamanic healers for manifold purpose: to clear
blockages of emotionally trapped energy, allow one to reach states of awareness
that promote creative thought, centeredness, and inner peace, and further ones
spiritual journey…to heal. It is never
done as an “escape” or way out as demonstrated by any substance abuser,
paradoxically, ayahuasca allows if not makes one confront and see things as
they are and as an “observer”.
I arrived early to the location with much excitement mixed
with a sense of apprehension. I had read
of others experiences from the sublime to the downright hellish of “trips”! I had no idea what to expect and knew I would
simply have an open heart and a clear mind like that of a child curious and
free to discover or rediscover my world.
Padrinho Alfredo was presiding over and leading the ceremony
which made this gathering quite special.
Padrinho Alfredo is the third leader of the Santo Daime succeeded by the
late Padrinho Sebastiao (1920-1990) and the founder himself Master Raimundo
Irineu Serra (1892-1971) the founder of Santo Daime. About 50 members were present, the chairs
were painted white and the chairs were in 3 rows positioned in a circular
formation. At the center was a white
table cloth round table with Padrinho Alfredo seated at 12 o’clock
position. Also seated at the round table
were 8 Fardados 4 men and 4 women. On
one side of the table as well as the room, the women were seated from the six
to twelve o’clock position opposite the men.
The energies of male and female are kept separate during ceremony and
areas are set up where members could lie down and rest although it is
encouraged to stay with the group during ceremony. All members were dressed in white, while the
Fardados wore white shirts and blue pants or skirts for the females. Opening prayers were done in the Catholic and
Christian tradition honoring Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mother Mary and the
Saints to open and close the ceremony, which in total lasted about five hours
and started at 9pm.
After the opening ceremonial prayers we were invited to receive
the sacrament of the Daime tea. Two
lines were formed one for men and women.
Seated beside me was a twenty something taller man named Kevin. He wore glasses and looked a week or so out
of a clean shaven beard. He was skinny
with a very calm, reassuring demeanor.
Kevin shared that he had had about 4 experiences. In all I estimated
about 10% or less were new and another 5-10% had only a few experiences. (I arrived before 7pm and had an opportunity
to speak with many members new and old.
The atmosphere was warm, friendly and inviting. On the wall were many photos of spiritual and
metaphysical representation - Alex Gray type of artistry along with Native
American, Meso American, Aztec and even bizarre alien art on the walls of what
appeared to be what I could only describe as an eclectic studio/social
club.) Kevin shared some of his own
experiences with me.
A few did, but nothing that I read or was conveyed could
prepare me for what was about to happen…
The line proceeded efficiently and before long, it was my
turn. I smelled the brew which had a
slight acidic scent to it, earth brown in color and the serving size was about
2.5 ounces served in a small Dixie cup.
There are rules practiced by Santo Daime members that include eating
lightly the day of ceremony (I drank only protein shakes and ate fruit and a
salad and chose not to eat any kind of meat land or sea), no smoking or alcohol
3 days before and after and to refrain from sex 3 days before and after to
allow for processing of the work. I read
that it is not uncommon to experience vomiting and diarrhea and is considered a
positive purging and cleansing effect of the ayahuasca (in the waste of purging
were found harmful parasites and worms removed from the body by the tea so it
also seems to serve a physical benefit in addition to the mind-spirit
connection).
I marveled in the moment for there in my hand, in this
little unassuming paper cup contained a microcosm of untold thousands of years
of ancient knowledge shared and passed down, its exact origins or how the ancient
shamans knew how to use and prepare the tea are still unknown, this sacred
knowledge of the forest, this "spirit" tea carefully and
ceremoniously prepared for many hours, this tea infused with the intentions of
healing, of knowing, of truth, of light and darkness, of revealing power, the
magic of it, the potential for realization, self actualization, creation and
connection to the universe, this dimensional doorway that was about to be
opened, I was about to be in the "seat of the soul"…my soul!
I felt complete awe and gratitude.
I took one deep breath and silently whispered “Heavenly
Father, protect me in all I do as I journey forward in mind, body, and spirit”. I quickly drank the Daime but allowed myself
to taste it. I didn’t find the taste
very bad at all unlike many who find it offensive. Acidic and strong like tea that was steeped
for a long time in concentrated form. I
sat down and asked Kevin how long before I “feel” something. He said about 15 minutes and it lasts about
an hour or so. Once everyone had
received the Daime sacrament, the singing began. Padrinho Alfredo played guitar along with two
others , other Fardados at the table shook rattles, played flute, tambourines
and one had what appeared to be a large handheld drum about 28” in
diameter. The music was prayers done in
Portuguese mostly, the words resemble Spanish so I could make out some, but I
allowed myself to feel the music, to stay present, and at times hummed along
with the group. After 15 minutes I
looked at my watch and thought maybe the Daime passed me by. I didn’t feel anything in particular.
Then about 7 minutes later, it happened...
All of a sudden my vision changed or shifted like I saw
double but it wasn’t blurry. It was 3-D viewing like when you converge or
diverge your eyes to see those posters and the illusion pattern in the picture.
Then another shift was taking place and looked up at the wall and the Aztec
painting and the third eye contained suddenly took on new relevance, in fact
details became much more apparent, I noticed the pictures earlier but now felt
I was “seeing” them feeling the emotions of the artist, more apparent was the
3rd eye that was inherent in two of the paintings as well as the chakra energy
centers in another. My head felt like it
was swelling and while others describe a white light in their experience, I did
not. I closed my eyes, I didn’t see
colors I lived them in green, blue, yellow, white, red, and indigo all
cascading, flowing and showering around me!
All of a sudden, I felt my body tighten and felt a presence, it was like
this presence was "looking" at me and it was unnerving, this presence
observing my beingness in curious “Hmmm, what do we have here?”, and “Interesting, very interesting!” kind of
way. I smiled and thought aren’t I
ever?! Without words my mind felt, "Here's exactly what YOU need!" Then, what physically felt like a snake first
slowly passing and coiling around my neck in a double helix pattern I could
feel my head gyrating right to left, round and round, feeling a loss of control
I allowed myself to let go completely and surrender to this otherworldly
presence that was now whooshing by passing through, around, and in me, intertwining
with my entire being, the energy was building up. The sensation of the swirling serpent became
stronger and stronger, faster and faster, but it didn’t hurt and it was a
releasing and receiving of tremendous amounts of energy. At the apex of what felt like my head
spinning at seemingly break neck speeds my shoulder was tapped I looked up and
it was Kevin reaching his hand out to me. I looked around the room and everyone was
standing up (there would be intervals of standing and sitting throughout the
ceremony). As he took my hand to help me
stand up, I glanced over at Durga Ma who appeared to have looked my way with a
face of relief, “he made it”!
I tried to orient myself to this otherworldly strangeness
and I began to feel nauseous like I would vomit so I sought a bucket that was
strategically placed around the seats and by resting areas. Later Durga Ma shared with me that my
Kundalini energy (the powerful energy of self without the layers of ego) had
been awakened, it resonated with me and made much sense (Some say the snake
represents our DNA and thereby activating or “turning on” the body, mind, and
spirit.) I then proceeded to look for the
bathroom feeling dizzy, aware, with my perceptions shifting at the same time. My hands appeared small then large and back
to normal, sense of distance and depth were altered. I found a bucket and sat on the floor and
looked into it, I closed my eyes and saw prisms of color exploding, shifting,
moving in rhythmic dance unison, it was perfect, except for the nausea, like I
drank too much alcohol and wanted to just hurl!
I began ground myself by stating my name softly out loud remembering
what Adrian said during interview which was to stay present with the music -
only I did so with self affirmations of “I am Jason”, “I have the right to self
determinism and in my power, the right to exit any game”.
I looked up and saw another member a young man of Latin
descent and dark features. He said
something to me in Spanish or Portuguese I could not tell since I speak neither
but felt he needed the bucket more than me so I handed it to him, wearily got
up and walked toward the group to my seat, the nausea dissipated and I suddenly
felt a surge of energy that was very empowered, very clear and very
strong. The swelling in my head stopped
and the room became so clear, I was in full present time awareness with nothing
dull, ordinary, or plain. I took a deep
breath and felt this moment of absolute awareness and felt so happy to be alive. I said to myself this is the place you need
to be to process, it’s time to work on issues so I began thinking of all of
them. I began going through the pains of
my life, my own personal struggles and I felt a tremendous sadness, I felt
alone, this feeling of alone that I feared and felt my whole life (I was
naturally very clingy with my mother as a young boy) it was suddenly before me
and I felt myself in that “alone-ness” not thinking of anyone else and seeing
the pain of many losses in my life that contributed to the loneliness and
despair. I looked up at the room and all at once felt
untrusting thinking, “Who are all these people really?” “What am I doing, is this even safe?” Issues of trust arose and took its worse
form of feeling cynical, uncertain, and untrusting not just of the group, but
of anyone in my life, throughout all of my own feelings of being self absorbed
in my dramas.
All the while music continued playing hymns of hope, guiding
each one of us holding us spiritually singing from their hearts healing as a
group, healing as individuals…healing the spirit.
I saw and with a new found awareness began to see each
feeling experienced: that of being alone, that of losing my children from my
ex-wife, and that of trust issues (that I didn’t realize was an issue until
then), were the things that the Daime was allowing myself to peer into with
laser like focus to see, feel, realize and recognize the truth therein, but
this time without the pain that I attached to these feelings and would otherwise
deny or repress the emotions of. No, I
was processing differently where instead the Daime wanted me to fully “feel”
the emotions, but not to hurt me, but to “feel” it with my whole heart, an open
heart, a heart filling in every passing moment with so much inner light and
love, forgiveness and compassion.
I honed in on the music and it penetrated my soul. I was looking at my hands and held a small
gap between my index finger and thumb and felt the entire universe in that tiny
space, I felt like it was going to suck me in and then I heard what was like a
shrill roar that was so loud, so piercing it startled me! I felt chills go through my body I looked up
and a member who earlier introduced himself as Michel (a mature late fifty
something man and perhaps French) was sneezing or coughing, I’m not certain,
but I thought it can’t be it sounded almost animal like the fierce growl of a
jaguar! One of the guitarists had looked
over at me and beamed a smile of knowing, “it’s alright, we are alright!"
I stood up and approached the area where we could lay down. A Fardado Alex (he was Brazilain, perhaps
five foot nine, athletic build, clean shaven head, he had kind eyes and
appeared to be in his mid twenties) said it was ok to lie down with such kind
understanding. When I first noticed him
earlier that evening, he appeared standoffish to me (perhaps I was the one who
may have been standoffish and it was reflecting back) and now I saw his energy,
both kind and caring looking out for me, with benevolent assurance that I was
safe. I lay down rested my head on a
pillow that I had brought from the hotel, he knelt beside me put his hand on my
shoulder and said, “May I work with your energy?” I nodded yes and felt a connection of trust
from his eyes to mine. He rested his
hand on my forehead I felt a vibrating energy coming from his hand, I could feel
waves of energy, he proceeded to rest his hand on my heart, then my solar
plexus, and lower abdomen he was working with my chakras moreover he was
working with my beingness in wanting healing for me. Each chakra he touched both gave and released
a tremendous energy throughout, he completed his work by holding my ankles his
eyes closed in silent prayer, I exhaled deeply and looked up he smiled and
thanked me for allowing, but it was I who felt thankful as we held each our gaze
and had a moment of reverent gratitude, it was beautiful to experience this
feeling that is so far removed from the layers of self that is our ego. This feeling I said to myself can heal the
planet. I marveled at how perfect the
moment formed and felt.
Faith, trust, knowing…Love.
I breathed, deep breaths of gratitude I got up and wanted to
join the group in song I embraced Alex and he thanked me and said “beautiful”.
Beautiful indeed…
I rejoined the group and this time I felt myself in a state
of pure and complete peace. I had no
cares and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to ignore any problems in my life, no, I
was succinctly aware of them, but I knew I could deal with them, each and every
one confidently, assuredly and with complete certainty. I was in the moment, the absolute present it
was a focus that I had not had…in a very long time if at all in this way. A second helping of the Daime was
offered. I was still feeling the first
effect and although I could have, I opted out of the 2nd helping. Something about the feeling of the serpent,
nausea, and presence of another being didn’t sit well with me, it was a bit
unnerving and I had a mild sense of trepidation. I may have been the only one to forego that
2nd helping, but I didn’t feel that anyone noticed or cared.
Singing continued throughout the night, I used the time to
be present, to see the issues in my life and reflect on them, find healing in
them, to connect with and feel the power of the group. About an hour and a half later a much smaller
3rd serving was offered (Kevin told me up to 3 sometimes 4 servings are offered
during ceremony) this time I noticed that
less than a quarter ounce of the Daime was given to members, I wondered if that
would have any effect, Padrinho Alfredo this time participated in offering the
Daime Sacrament. I was toward the back
of the line and when it came my turn, the Fardado serving filled the cup to
about half a serving 1.5 ounces more or less and smiled when he handed it to
me, clearly much more than I thought I would get, as I wondered if he noticed I
didn’t get a 2nd helping earlier. I
received the sacrament and after 30 minutes I thought I didn’t get enough to
experience, but I did, just not as dramatic in that I didn’t feel a “presence”
working on me, instead found myself visually creating things as I want them to
be that are in alignment with my truth in my life. I did lie down at one point and felt myself
floating, as if being carried on a wave of colors not fast, very relaxed, just
traveling space and time like a river flowing in a rhythmic beat of life. I felt balanced, safe, and at eternal
peace. I noticed earlier during my 1st
serving there were instances where I could not sit still fidgeting and
restless, rubbing my arms, bouncing a knee, looking around (those may have been
my issues of focus manifesting physically), but this time I was still and
present, no feeling of needing to rush, just serenity and knowing that
everything is fine and as it should be.
Padrinho Afredo closed out the ceremony and I stayed long
after and talked to other members exchanging experiences with those who were
open to share and enjoyed refreshments of water, crackers, lentil soup,
noodles, quinoa, watermelon and bread spread with honey and butter, food that
other members thoughtfully volunteered to bring. After 5 hours of work many were hungry and
the light refreshments were perfect. We
shared stories accompanied by warm embraces from beautiful women and men, old
and young with no judgment to physical appearance. Many of which I didn’t know or remember the
names of, but little did it matter, our energy was all in unison and it was
energy recognizing the beingness of another and our embraces were like a
spiritual handshake: long, thoughtful, and full of love. It was a healing power absent of awkwardness,
or ego, or self conscious aloofness, just the spirit of each honoring,
respecting, and enjoying this very special and sacred moment of pure joy and
manifest healing.
On June 18th 2010, I received a gift, a sacred
sacrament, a medicine…Santo Daime. I am
thankful, honored, and humbled to have been a part of the Santo Daime group and
experience.
I know I will part-take again in ceremony. I don’t know when, I’ll simply allow my spirit
to guide me or allow the Daime to call me, I know when I do by sheer intention,
gratitude, and in humble certainty, Santo Daime will be there…
The ride home.
The following afternoon during my ride home along the FL
Everglades I began to reveal more light in my life. One of them is about my truth and about fear
and it came to me…
Fear in life happens when one lives in the absence of their
truth.
I realized the root of all my problems is because I am not
living my truth with integrity and therefore all my fears become manifest.
I took that feeling that profound insight and began to see
things take shape all around me. The
ride home was filled with my being in the moment, the absolute moment, with
gratitude, an enhanced sense of awareness and perception, an inner guidance by
my spirit being sure that my experience is the best one that serves me and that
and resonates my living truth. I looked
in the mirror and what did I see and feel?
I am the face of
God.
Each one of us without
exception is a face of God. Honor that
and so shall you honor all life and the life of Mother Earth. Let synchronicity be part of your life
everyday! See more then what is there
and discover something new in the common…become uncommon. Raise your hand in peaceful allowing, send
energy of safety to those on their journey, send it from the universe, send it
from your heart, send it with gratitude, you will see miracles take place in
your life. The full cycle nature of all
things have their place in time and it is perfect, embody nature in its fullest
sense and you will touch the knowledge that will create a life of constant
transformative experiences allowing you to go beyond and break the cycle of
life, death, and rebirth…and into a deliberate state of creation, evolution, possibility
and self determinism in this life and beyond.
Each human spiritual journey is different and each one will
find its own truth in its own time.
Live, create, and experience a life that has meaning, joy, and
integrity, one that reflects who you really are that dispels fear and lifts you
into the light.
Be the face of God in
all you do.
Many blessings of light, love and peace...
I am,
Jason
